It came sooner than anticipated. I actually had a very regular cycle from age 11 to Age 49.
And then came the weird-ass symptoms. And I mean that literally. I started to have symptoms of pressure in my butt, of all places. Which in itself sent me into a tizzy given my then-profession as a colon hydrotherapist.
Did I do this to myself? And… if I did this to me, then am I doing something wrong in my work too? Double whammy - physical and emotional crisis. As a woman of service, the idea that I may be causing harm unearths me.
All this was heavy enough to tip me into trauma. And, I’ll just offer that when we have something go awry in the area of the root chakra, pelvic floor, or butt, it is tremendously ungrounding. So I was scared, guilty, and majorly freaked out. I began having daily panic attacks that made it seriously difficult to function in my day-to-day life and reminded me of similar periods in the past when I was ridden with anxiety. The association had me diving head first into nervous breakdown mode (aka dramatic spiritual transformation, which I’ve now learned can be done without such extremism).
Funny how we must agree to such things. I didn’t want to, but my system was compromised and I was delicate, so I guess I invited it.
Then followed a full 3 months of extreme weather shift in my nervous system. Scary weight loss from sheer fear, adrenalin and a feeling of being whisked away in a whirlwind of terror. I felt as though I had lost my life as I knew it.
I don’t recommend.
Word of advice: When you feel your body going through something profound, try as you might to ALLOW it to work its way through you, without getting your mind all up in there adding to the storyline. Easier said than done, I understand, but I have to say it. Your body is wiser than your mind and knows exactly what she’s doing at all times. Trust her.
As a side note… while I desperately wanted to gain weight back then because I was so far below my norm, it’s amazing how, when the weight comes back on, we long to see that crazy low number on the scale again. Actually, I’d settle right now for that plus 10 lbs.
Anyhow… it turned out I had good reason to feel the pressure in my groin and it had nothing to do with my colon per se. It had to do with some hefty uterine fibroids, one of which was pressing back against my rectum. So I hadn’t harmed myself… nor others. Of course I hadn’t.
As a holistic health practitioner I had all but turned my back on Western medicine, so it had been some time since my last gyno check. I was working with a naturopathic doctor at that time on some adrenal imbalances and I was taking something (DHEA) to amp up certain hormones, and I believe it plumped up my already chunky uterus. No one’s fault. All good intentions. The DHEA helped a lot with energy, I will say. Just be careful in knowing that it’s a hormone precursor and can feed certain processes like fibroid growth.
All this to say…. I ended up having a hysterectomy. It was surreal, actually. But I was in a fragile state and really wanted help. I think it was the right decision, as sad as it was, not to mention threatening to my identity to lose such a significant organ.
I’ll write another time about the significance of giving up my uterus and why it was actually the perfect avenue of learning for me.
My surgeon said I could keep my ovaries if they looked “perfect” while she was in there, and I guess they were because I still have them.
However, once ovaries lose their big buddy the uterus, the circuitry is never quite the same. Ergo, I find myself in menopause.
And I have a new body. She looks different and acts different.
This perspective of having been gifted a new body by God helps me to accept changes that I would not have otherwise preferred.
In a word, I feel more compact. Less elongated. I have an extra roll around my middle that feels as though it’s as much from the loss of length of my uterus as it is from hormonal shifts. I think it’s both.
In fact I know it is. I have hot flashes and the whole nine.
Interestingly, before my surgery, I had history of being VERY diligent with my diet. I was very well studied on most methods of eating, with special emphasis on digestive health. I had had the mistaken notion that if I ate perfectly I would never have health significant problems. After all, I had had success in remedying lots of health challenges with diet.
But after my surgery I just couldn’t be rigid. It was as though my heart blocked that frame of mind. It was a time of letting go. The perfectionism no longer fit. Thank goodness, really. It’s such an insidious pattern.
Now, finally, two and a half years and lots of poorly combined meals and plenty of carbs later, I’m ready to become more disciplined.
With some trial and error over the past several months, I see that, not surprisingly, sugar is the thing that undermines my aspiration to be more light and airy.
I’m seeing results and it feels good. It dispels the myth that we cannot lose weight after menopause. So I’m encouraged.
I look forward to sharing my path with you in hopes it will provide encouragement to you as well.
I’ll end with this. I LOVE my body. She looks a bit different, more solid. I imagine that whatever God has planned for me in my life to come, she will serve me strongly.